A visitor from the past

The past always follows you around.

So many times in my life I've looked at someone, and said, “Well, thats the last I'm gonna see of that person”.

Never worked. They keep coming back to my life. Sometimes in the form of a pleasant evening spent remembering our stupid, old selves and mistakes and sometimes like a blast from the past, in a way most unexpected and most unpleasant. But the truth remains- The past always follows you round.

So you take all the pain and pack those memories up in small boxes and keep them high on the dusty shelves, to be forgotten.

And you spend nights trying to figure out what went wrong.

And you sit up on the terrace on a cold night and tell yourself your eyes are stinging from the cold, not tears.

And you remember again, the tunes of your favourite song when you were 12 years old.

And you tell yourself to move on and find new things to make you happy.

And you learn to tell yourself that things have changed and you say it till you start believing it.

And then the visitor from the past. And it all comes crashing back.

Sometimes, a most amusing story to hold on to.

And sometimes you realize the pain was never gone.

It's all a ploy. It's life's way of reminding you of the lessons you've learnt.

Or maybe not.

Maybe its one more of those things that I keep telling myself so I start believing it.

Whichever way, there's no running away. 

Sunny side up. NOT.

Anger. Its not as simple as this one word. It always includes sorrow, pride, frustration, jealousy and deceit. 

In short, its complicated.

I'm afraid I'm not too good at expressing it. Or rather I usually don't have any clue what to do with anger and all of that.

Take for instance the verbal expression of it all. So we do we talk or do we not? Shut up and simmer or shout and let it out? Stop talking to the person who angered us or go on with life like nothing happened, letting the person be humiliated by our forgiveness. Then of course there are cases when 'humiliation by forgiveness' doesn't really work because the person in question doesn't even know I'm angry! But then of course how exactly is it forgiveness if we intend to humiliate?! And then again coming back to the question of dealing with anger, do we forget and forgive or plan a retaliation? The former seems like the more intelligent thing to do but then who denies the high from revenge?

Fail or FAIL?

I never know what to do. I'd like to think of myself as a vengeful person because vengeance, in some twisted way, rhymes with power. But well I get muddled mid-way! I can, if I try, plan a long drawn-out revenge, but I'll probably forget about it midway. Or get tired of it. I need a new toy. I need a new thought.

So the last time I tried the 'stop talking to the person' route, I was the first one to break that rule. It's too tiring, I'm telling you. How do you stay angry with anyone for long anyway?! And it's too much of a bother. And it makes you feel depressed all day. Plus I can't NOT talk. If you know me you know that. FAIL.

And the 'humiliation through forgiveness'; EXTREMELY overrated I must say. Half the times they won't even know I'm angry with THEM, forget knowing WHY I'm angry. Plus it's such a mean thing to do. Double standards. I hate it. I don't use it till I MUST; double standards I mean.

Well, so whattodo?

Oh and did I mention half the times I, myself don't know I should be angry with someone?

In that case, just stay away from my illusion please?

It's all too complicated. Why don't I have answers to things like these? It'd make life a lot easier if I did.

Sigh.

Did I tell you I've been praying for a boring life, for the next 3 years at least?

Hiding somewhere in the night

I keep the ice-cold water running. It sends a chill down my spine, but weird how the painfully cold water, that almost stings me, is a rather welcome feeling. It makes me feel like I can wash away the last vestiges of a part of me I don’t want to keep with me.

The feeling of letting the cold water run over your tired eyes and throbbing head. I’m afraid to open my eyes. I’m afraid there’s too many things that are going to hit me at the same time, too many answers that I owe myself and to many others, too many issues I’d rather leave unattended.

There’s a part of me that wants to curl up in the bed after the shower and never wake up. And a part of me, that  wants to go out in the bright sun and let the warmth fill me, like everyday...

I look at my fingers turn white and wrinkly. They feel so weird, like they aren’t a part of me, like I can’t feel them anymore. Like memories long forgotten.

I feel the goosebumps and welcome that shiver. Is it time I woke up? Or am I still going to believe in the mantra of ‘Reality is overrated’? Sometimes, just sometimes, we know the answers all along. We just don’t want to accept them. We love the dream too much to let go of it.

So where does one draw the line? When is the right time? Which price is too high? The stakes only keep increasing...Is there an exit?

I don’t know. I probably never will. There’s no turning back, for now.

There’s only one thing I know when I come out of the shower. I need to change my shampoo.

Little women...and men.

I never know what I really want. I want a bit of this and a bit of that, only to realize its one or none.

My DEEP conversation. Actually, i wanted to try out a cool screenshot ;)

In the course of having a DEEP conversation with one of my close friends* today I came to two VERY IMPORTANT conclusions:

My Little Monster <3

a)Boys are monsters**. ALL of them. Even the one who you thought was really nice . Only you probably/will probably choose to close your eyes to signs of his monstrosity. The good, little monster of your life you know.

b)MOST girls are evil, manipulative bitches. Don’t get it? Try this. It’s so true its creepy. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=3&_r=2.*** It’s like  someone cut-copy-pasted all that I had in my mind. But I said ‘MOST’. There are a few good ones also. Rare, but there. Or maybe we again just choose to close our eyes to it because she’s your best friend and she’s the good, little bitch of your life. A little bit of manipulation and bitching never did anyone harm. :P

I need to start loving myself a little more. Late realization, but true. I’ve spent all these years giving primacy to others before me- parents, friends, best friends, boyfriend, the-one-I-want-as-my-boyfriend. Enough. Must stop now. Noone’s worth it. Except, your parents. Mom and Dad are the best things that happened to you. J

I cried myself to sleep last night. It’s possibly the most unpleasant thing in the world. I woke up in the morning with a headache and exactly the same thoughts as I’d gone to sleep with. Fail.

What I really need right now is the beach + coconut water + my best friend + a LONG conversation on the ultimate question of  life, the universe and everything (and the answer to that is neither 42 nor ‘nothing’ in my Universe).

Alanis Morissette is God! She knows everything. And she has a song to suit every problem in my life. I don’t think I can EVER get over “Hands Clean”. It makes me laugh everytime, and feel a little bit sad too.

I LOVE the cartoon week celebrations that’s all over Facebook. It’s funny how it’s made so many of my friends ACTUALLY  Youtube  the favourite episode/scene of their favourite cartoon/animation movie. I like the happy feel of it all. As MM says, “the world has finally woken up to the art that is animation”. J

I think the song  “Sheila ki Jawaani” is ABSOLUTELY disgusting. I don’t know why everyone’s going gaga over it. It sounds bad, looks bad and is well  BAD. Period.

My projects will NEVER get over till I log out of GTalk. Little I can do about it though. I feel like I can’t breathe without being online on GTalk. =/

I think today was the International Day of Cynicism. It was everywhere, all the time.

Don’t be fooled by the title of the post. It has little to do with whatever I wrote. I TOLD you I was messed up in the head today! Or did I?

*You know who you are.

**Copyright-Niya. Don't forget to check her out at http://newlampsforold.blogspot.com/ <3

*** Thank you for that absolutely life changing article- you know who you are.

"Last Friday Night"

So, everyone has one of those days.

Days when one makes that one big faux pas. So how much does it really matter? The mistake. More importantly what matters more? The friend you lost? The trust and faith people lost on you? The guilty conscience? The pointed glares and cold shoulders? The humiliation and embarrassment? I could never decide for myself. I didn’t know which was worse.

But the best way to deal with it, I learnt, was to be with my friends. It’s a test too. You come out of it knowing those people who you know will stand by you through thick and thin. And it’s a comforting thought indeed. So, give it back to them when they are facing the rough patch coz you know the worth of a text message asking you if you’re ok. Coz you know the worth of a long talk on the parking lot benches. Coz you know the worth of that hug that says “I’m right here”. Coz you know the security of knowing someone’s fighting for you. Frame that moment when you’re drunk and can’t stand straight  and you sit on the bike and lean against your friend for support and see the laser lights making patterns in the sky. That’s your moment and there’s your friend.

When so many things are going wrong, take solace in the fact that someone’s ready to watch your back and set it right. Find those people and never let them go coz they are the ones who really care. Good or bad, everything happens for a reason so follow MM’s mantra in life- Keep calm and eat cupcakes. But don’t forget to share them with the one who bought you that comfort food. J

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice :)

So, I had one of those long terrace conversations with my friend today. And there’s so much that came out of it.

We talked about how different our lives have become in the course of these last three months-

broken bonds, new misunderstandings, changed equations, new friends and the distancing of old ones, missed opportunities, new foundations and the loss of the old ones, how the contentment that filled me at the end of my 1^st year in law school is all but mostly non-existent now, how life’s been too fast for me to catch up with it, we laughed at how one gets to hear the weirdest rumours about oneself here, we talked about choices and the fear of not being the chosen one, of choices one makes while dealing with the same thing, of priorities and decisions, of not being what I mean to people anymore, of not letting closed wounds open up and haunt us again...

We talked about how I baked a cake for my friend’s birthday today and its many connotations in my life.  How it’s my attempt at getting my life back on its old track by doing something I used to do; it’s my attempt at making amends and setting things right with a friend I don’t want to lose; How it’s therapeutic in a weird way- how everything is measured and put in the perfect amount and how when the baked cake comes out smelling of chocolate and the perfect brown colour, it makes me feel so good about myself, so secure in its success!

It wasn’t one of those ‘depressed days’ conversations, just one of those days when one wants to speak, wants to let it all out, wants to question everything out aloud, clear all those confusions, wants to start all over again... It’s just one of those days when one sits down and makes a checklist of everything that went right and everything that didn’t and take solace in the ones that did and make promises to oneself to make the others work out the next time...

Life’s just like the cake you know...All you need to know is the perfect baking time. You need to know the correct time and the correct ingredient and the correct company. There’s always the small impurity in the ingredient you need to sift  out; always the possibility of putting too much of the cocoa powder that makes it turn bitter, experience teaches you the perfect amount; always the extra amount of cream that makes the icing too liquid so it doesn’t sit nicely on the cake, the correct consistency comes with pouring it little at a time; and there’s ALWAYS the contentment that comes with having that leftover piece of cake after everyone has devoured it... At the end of the day, life IS about sugar and spice and everything nice, just find the correct people to share it with, choose them carefully and choose them well coz they make the experience worth it...

At the end of a trimester that had it ALL- Love, Life and Law School

So, my friend sent me a message that said- “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of a misfortune.”

Given that we both have been grappling with the same kind of 'misfortunes' and problems and the solution to which seems to be elusive at this point of time, it’s one of our efforts to bring our lives back on track by trying to infuse the “ultimate philosophy of perfect living” in our horribly messed up lives.

It’s not like we both already don’t realize the importance of acceptance, but it’s the process that’s problematic! Too many externalities and complications! The biggest externality being 'law school'! It manages to magnify and moralize just about ANYTHING! And also coming with it is the pleasure one finds in pain.

Yes, a little masochistic, but sometimes wallowing in self-pity gives you a lot of satisfaction! Not that I’m a big propronent of it, but it has it’s pros and cons and it’s possibly a way of holding on to the past. And if I already haven’t mentioned, I’m a big FAILURE at the art of letting go (so much so that my friends gift me “Simple Truths of Life: Learning to Let Go” cards on my farewell!)

So, here’s the flowchart to acceptance 

“Denial--->Anger--->Acceptance”. I’m not sure on which leg of the journey I stand. Partial denial? Partial anger? Partial acceptance? Its ALL of those three and a lot more. It’s confusing, frustrating, depressing and well, complicated. If only life were as easy as following a flowchart.

The only good coming out of this whole chaos? Friends. The ones who stood by and the ones who didn’t. The likely ones and the unlikeliest ones. The old ones and the new. At the end of it all there’s a warm feeling inside me, for all those who stood by. I don’t really care about the ones who didn’t, anymore.

Too many life lessons learnt in one trimester. And I’m glad it’s coming to an end. Like everytime, I’m gonna hope that the next one is better and this time I can actually believe it will be coz there HAS to be a high in my life after this all time low! So, the eternal optimist that I am, I’m gonna believe that the solution to my problems are not far and that things can only get better from here. 

Trials and Triumphs

Choice.

That’s what our lives are about. Choices- the ones we make and the ones we don’t. The ones we don’t possibly, unknowingly affecting us more than the ones we do.  

So we choose to close our eyes to things we don’t want to believe. Choose to not believe something because we think it helps us face the next day much more easily. So today a friend asked “Is it wrong to make the easier choice?” and well I couldn’t really blame anyone for wanting to do so. Yes, it’s the more selfish choice to make because denials just make acceptance difficult for others, but well, who cares about the others? Life’s about US right? At the end of the day, we are answerable to ourselves and as long as u can look in the mirror and look into your own eyes and not feel guilty about things we do and decision we take, it’s ALL that matters.

So I tell myself –Stop trying to be the noble one and accepting things, ignore truths you don’t want to accept and move on. It’s the easiest thing to do. Cheat life, cheat others in the process but get your fucking conscience saved and ass covered.

Only, no matter how many times I say that to myself, I’m never ever to do it. And I’m never able to forgive the ones who take the easier path and leave the others to fight the battle alone.

Faith.

So there’s the right time and the right decision. How often do we take the right decision at the right time? And that’s where Faith comes in. Faith in oneself. You lose it once and it takes ages to build back again. And the world with its weird ideas of right and wrongs and moral lectures and social upbringing doesn’t help either. It makes you believe in all the things that the world accuses you of being. But faith in the one above? It’s a funny thing. Coz when YOU let yourself down, you can choose to believe that the one above will be fair. That’s faith for me.

And it’s the only choice where I take the easier way out.


P.S. And few will ever understand the reason behind why I named this post what it's named.