Why this Kolaveri Di?

As I type this into Google I realise its either me who has a big one (an ego), or the one on my mind right now, who has a bigger one. SO being an ardent believer of the philosophy that Google is the answer to everything in Universe, I’ve decided to turn to it for a solution to this confusion. Yes, I could act jobless at times. Anyway, so Google says Ego is “an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others” and/or “your consciousness of your own identity”. For reasons known only to me, I don’t think they are the same thing. A fine line of difference. While I’d like to believe the second meaning is the correct one, it serves me just as well to believe the first one in the context of my present problem. So end conclusion: I am not the one with the bloated ego. :P
Yes, I am biased like that, but what the hell it makes life easier for me to believe in it :P
I wish people would be a little less juvenile! Why this kolaveri di? :P

In other news, Strawberry Fields is around the corner. =D
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! And the good times have already begun (minus the unfinished project). Every year SF gives me yet more reasons to fall in love with it, in a new way. Long live SF and ten people Zen rides, and drunken publicity and fooling cops and grilled chicken on acad terrace at three in the night =)
As for SF, checkout strawberryfieldsonline.in =)

Oh and I have a few new resolutions. I’m sticking to them. I’m serious. Yes I AM!

Side effects of sipping on sunshine

The water is nice and warm. The sunlight filters in and hits my face. It’s a nice, bright day, not the gloomy, cloudy sky that Bangalore greets you with on many mornings.

I feel more alive than I’ve felt in a long time. Yes, there are too many questions but this time I’ve had the courage to have asked all of them. And have been answered back satisfactorily.

I smile to myself thinking how filmy life can be.

Sometimes it seems like we’re stuck in a terrible dramatic movie that doesn't seem to have a happy ending and no humor but all the morbid twists and turns and mean and snobbish people; and you’re kept waiting for the one BIG THING that is going to change you and your life forever, accompanied by sunny mornings and happy songs.  And then you’re thrown into a whirlpool of cheesy scenes which involve family issues, love problems, troubles with friends, crying in the corner of your bed for hours, a whole lot of shit involving complex social dynamics! You sit on the terrace on a cold, windy night and contemplate on the matters of love, life and the universe. And you start believing that happy endings are a myth. Then you realize happiness was always by your side. And those evil people that makes your life a bit more like a movie? They are still working on their plans to make your life like hell. And those troubles don't leave you. EVER. Afterall KARMA IS A BITCH ( ). But you learn to get things your way. And life is perfect once again. It’s reached its happy ending till the next movie begins.

The feeling of the warm water running through my hair feels awesome and totally kills the goosebumps from the chilly morning air. And my fingers aren’t white and wrinkly from standing under the water for too long. They feel tingly and warm. And red from the rush of blood.

Long, warm showers are AWESOME. So happy and content they make you feel. And I LOVE my new strawberry body wash. It reminds me of strawberry ice-cream-my answer to every kind of sad thing in life =)

So when does the next movie start? Till when will this happy phase last?

I don’t care. And I don’t want to know.

I come out of the shower  knowing only one thing for sure. My new shampoo is PERFECT-JUST the one I needed. =D

My Happy Little Place

First week of trimester.
Lazy afternoons.
Little work pressure.
Jello Shots.
Quad Parties.
Super Pass weekends.
Awesome weather.
A ChickLit.
Old RomComs.
Skype FINALLY working on laptop.
Cheesiness.

Yes, life can be perfect sometimes =)
And it falls into place in the most unexpected of ways.
I’m so high with happiness it’s unimaginable.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Yes, I’m rarely this happy, but that’s all the more reason to let you guys know.

<3

Bitter Pills

If there’s something that law school teaches you, that’s to deal with disappointments. A process of letting go and moving on.

You realize that people will walk in and out of your life but you need to walk away from that disappointment.

You won’t get what you deserve, but you need to accept what you get and remember that a lot of time you manage to get things you don’t deserve.

A lot of your dreams may end up not getting fulfilled but you always have to start dreaming the next one.

And tell you what? I just figured an easy process to get over your disappointments!

a)    

 Give your hand at being a nerd. Trust me it does wonders! It makes you feel like a stud to finally submit all your projects on time, does wonders for your self-confidence and keeps you busy and away from thinking too much about whatever that’s driving you nuts.

b)     

Food. It’s the instant relief for every cause of worry. Theres NO denying that a lamb risotto or a cheese margherita is the biggest comfort food man ever made!

c)       

SHUT the fuck up! Talking doesn’t help. People who should know will know by themselves, without you having to go over things again.

d)     

Humour. Ridicule your way through your failures. It’s always good to laugh it off.

e)      

Make a list of things you want to do by the end of the year. Trust me it makes you feel better J

f)       

Television/TV series. Make sure you catch the latest episodes of Gossip Girl or Glee or How I Met Your Mother  or Chuck or Roadies whatever it  is that you watch. It’s AWESOME. Period.

g)     

Reconnect with old friends. Sometimes you need to get away from the people and the place. And most of the times we are too busy being busybee to remember those old faces and places. But trust me there’s nothing like reconnecting with a friend you left behind and laugh over the times when you were stupid and silly.

h)     

HOME. There’s no place like home. There’s no one you’d rather talk to than your Mom.

And well there’s nothing in life that’s more important than YOU, so I’m sure it isn’t too difficult to get your act together-for your own sake. Someone once told me that there’s no one or nothing that is irreplaceable in one’s life. I’d disagreed then. I stand corrected.

P.S.- I know I haven’t written for 2.5 months but that’s coz I was putting most of the above things into action and ALSO because there was Univ Week! Wheee! :D

Judgment Day

Its never over till it's over.

One day and many meanings to these few words.

The end often comes out of the blue, when you least expect it. Or maybe when you'd like to least expect it.

And sometimes its not the end, but the end of the beginning, as you wait for the bigger better things to come along;just a wait for the next stage.*

And sometimes you have to end it yourself, coz it's never over till you bring it to an end.

There's a beauty in some endings. A part of you, finding a strange contentment in the heartache. A little hope. A little disillusionment. A little part of you that's been set free. The world might have come crumbling down but that just means a clean slate right? A chance to build it again, a little differently from the last time. Dream a new dream.

And the end doesn't come with a big bang. It comes quietly and leaves little behind. Perhaps that's the most difficult part, the emptiness that it leaves behind.

What it does leave behind is a lot of regret. Reflections. Images. Quiet nights. A strange vacuum when  you have nothing to do or say. Lapses of judgment. Dreamless sleep. Questions. No answers. Unsaid, bitter words. Distrust. And a shattered self esteem.

And sometimes a longing for one last chance to say I Miss You.

*Thank You Viki for not making my belief in this one falter. :)

These streets will make you feel brand new

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray,Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York-Frank Sinatra

The snow covered cars parked outside that I watched from the warm, heated hostel room.

The street musicians at the subway station.

The red steps at Times Square.

The smell of freshly made hot dogs at every corner.

The frozen Central Park and the Manhattan skyline beyond the park.

The city at dusk, from the 62^nd floor of Rockefeller.

The Metropolitan Museum where one can easily spend a few days and yet not finish everything that there is to see.

Posing with the stars at Tussauds like every tourist would.

The newly wed couple taking pictures at Times Square.

Watching the city, lit up, as far as your eyes can see from the observatory at Empire State building.

Not knowing whether it was day or night on a walk down Times Square.

Navigating through the subway system that never fails to confuse.

Running through the streets to catch the late night show at Regal.

Shopping myself crazy at HnM, Forever 21, Victoria's Secret and haggling at the street corners for the cheapest deals on the “I <3 NY”.t-shirts.

Top it off with the Museum of Sex.

Hamburgers and fries with a friend at two in the night.

The noise.

The lights.

The chaos.

The city that never sleeps.

And a few wonderful friends to discover the city with.

No place ever got so perfect.

And if you ask me what was the best part about it, well it was the anonymity.

The city of 8 million and yet some of my best memories are from my solitary wanderings from around the city, on the days I did not carry my camera with me and all I have are the everlasting imprints on my mind.

The quaint seaport area near Fulton Street with the adorable open-air cafes where you strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.

The Trinity Church and the small, snow covered cemetery, where the father saw me fill up the prayer form and let me light a candle at the altar.

Looking up at the buildings in and around Wall Street, open mouthed and in awe.

The walk down Columbus Avenue and past Lincoln Centre.

Walking the Brooklyn Bridge promenade, stopping to see the Statue of Liberty in the distance and the Manhattan skyline.

The old man on the bus who told me how to get the tickets and told me exactly where to get down.

The salesgirl at Guess who got me a coffee and exchanged student life experiences with me.

The girl at Body Shop who failed to understand how I wasn't feeling cold.

The woman on the tube who struck up a conversation about the numerous shopping bags we were carrying and the guy who discussed Indian music with me.

It's so easy to lose oneself in the city. And find yourself in the process.

It's so easy to be anonymous but not a stranger.

Walk alone but not feel lonely.

The anonymity is a blessing.

Yes New York, I love you.

For the heady sights and sounds and the busy roads.

The big lights and the bigger dreams.

For the new ways in which I discovered you everyday.

For how everyone finds their favourite place in the city.

For how one feels at home.

For how it feels like I've known you forever.

For the feeling of familiarity in anonymity.

And for the 5 most brilliant days of my life.

I'm coming back, and that's a promise. :)

A visitor from the past

The past always follows you around.

So many times in my life I've looked at someone, and said, “Well, thats the last I'm gonna see of that person”.

Never worked. They keep coming back to my life. Sometimes in the form of a pleasant evening spent remembering our stupid, old selves and mistakes and sometimes like a blast from the past, in a way most unexpected and most unpleasant. But the truth remains- The past always follows you round.

So you take all the pain and pack those memories up in small boxes and keep them high on the dusty shelves, to be forgotten.

And you spend nights trying to figure out what went wrong.

And you sit up on the terrace on a cold night and tell yourself your eyes are stinging from the cold, not tears.

And you remember again, the tunes of your favourite song when you were 12 years old.

And you tell yourself to move on and find new things to make you happy.

And you learn to tell yourself that things have changed and you say it till you start believing it.

And then the visitor from the past. And it all comes crashing back.

Sometimes, a most amusing story to hold on to.

And sometimes you realize the pain was never gone.

It's all a ploy. It's life's way of reminding you of the lessons you've learnt.

Or maybe not.

Maybe its one more of those things that I keep telling myself so I start believing it.

Whichever way, there's no running away. 

"Chai mein dooba biscuit ho gaya :D "

This post is inspired by a lot of things.

Most importantly by the recently telecast Filmfare Awards, more specifically by Shahrukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit.

I mean have you seen the crackling chemistry?! And she's GORGEOUS, so gorgeous! Sigh.

Move over the Munni's and Sheila's, the original Dhak Dhak girl is the ultimate 'maal'.

Who can forget Rahul's Maya and Devdas' Chandramukhi?

And Shahrukh Khan? The lesser said, the better. Sigh.

And well. Its difficult to forget Shanker and Gauri as they try to free themselves from the clutches of the despicable bad-guy you love to hate, Rajasaheb (Amrish Puri). My heart went out to Shahrukh as he transforms from the subservient, mute slave to the vengeful, 'angry young man' and the plight of poor Madhuri duped into marriage with the bad guy!

And well Dil Toh Pagal Hai will remain my most favourite movie EVER after DDLJ. 3 hours of absolute awesomeness! Who can forget them dancing in the rain in Chak dhoom dhoom, or Dholna or that scene when Rahul first sees Pooja dancing to his drumbeats or the very last scene as Pooja faces the audience and her recording plays in the background?..

“jab woh mujhe dekhta hai, toh mujhe lagta hai ki main khubsurat hun.

jab woh hasta hai, toh jee chahta hai naach uthhun.

jab woh ruuth jata hai, toh jee chahta hai ki usse baahon me le lun.

jab pyar karta hai to ankh bhar aati hai.

woh mujhe ehsas dilata hai, ki main uske liye bani hun aur woh mere liye.

main usse bahut pyar karti hun.

ek din ke liye nahi, ek pal ke liye nahi. zindagi bhar k liye...”

SHIT! Can't get better can it?

It's the reason I believe that 'someone somewhere is made for you'. Sigh.

Second is the movie Band Baaja Baraat. My current favourite. SO Yash Raj! SO feel good. So, reminiscent of the days of the good old DDLJ, DTPH, KKHH …

Glitzy, colorful Indian weddings and some good old romance. PERFECT.

Add to it a brilliant soundtrack. This movie stays with you long after you've watched it.

Yes, its predictable. Yes, the climax is as cliched as it can get. But it's exactly why I loved it so much! So predictable, yet so fresh, so uninhibited, so earnest and so BOLLYWOOD.

Plus Anushka Sharma, sooo pretty. :)

L.O.V.E.

The movie made me want to attend a wedding BADLY. Maybe my sister will oblige. (I know that's an impossibility right now, but what's the harm in hoping? :P)

Also, I must mention this is why I LOVE home. The T.V.. I'm amazed everytime by how I could have survived three months without it!

Sigh.

I LOVE long holidays. :D

Till the next post, I'm going to go down the memory lane and take out my old collection of music. Have you felt the joy in fishing out old, dusty cassettes, yes AUDIO CASSETTES. The ones you cajoled your parents into buying because you couldn't get “Arre re Arre yeh kya hua” out of your head? Try it.

And don't be surprised when a smile lights up your face everytime you pick out your old, dusty, childhood favourites.

P.S. You MUST listen to aivayin aivayin from Band Baaja Baraat. It's addictive, I TELL you. Chai mein dooba biscuit ho gaya? Haha. <3 Bollywood <3

Sunny side up. NOT.

Anger. Its not as simple as this one word. It always includes sorrow, pride, frustration, jealousy and deceit. 

In short, its complicated.

I'm afraid I'm not too good at expressing it. Or rather I usually don't have any clue what to do with anger and all of that.

Take for instance the verbal expression of it all. So we do we talk or do we not? Shut up and simmer or shout and let it out? Stop talking to the person who angered us or go on with life like nothing happened, letting the person be humiliated by our forgiveness. Then of course there are cases when 'humiliation by forgiveness' doesn't really work because the person in question doesn't even know I'm angry! But then of course how exactly is it forgiveness if we intend to humiliate?! And then again coming back to the question of dealing with anger, do we forget and forgive or plan a retaliation? The former seems like the more intelligent thing to do but then who denies the high from revenge?

Fail or FAIL?

I never know what to do. I'd like to think of myself as a vengeful person because vengeance, in some twisted way, rhymes with power. But well I get muddled mid-way! I can, if I try, plan a long drawn-out revenge, but I'll probably forget about it midway. Or get tired of it. I need a new toy. I need a new thought.

So the last time I tried the 'stop talking to the person' route, I was the first one to break that rule. It's too tiring, I'm telling you. How do you stay angry with anyone for long anyway?! And it's too much of a bother. And it makes you feel depressed all day. Plus I can't NOT talk. If you know me you know that. FAIL.

And the 'humiliation through forgiveness'; EXTREMELY overrated I must say. Half the times they won't even know I'm angry with THEM, forget knowing WHY I'm angry. Plus it's such a mean thing to do. Double standards. I hate it. I don't use it till I MUST; double standards I mean.

Well, so whattodo?

Oh and did I mention half the times I, myself don't know I should be angry with someone?

In that case, just stay away from my illusion please?

It's all too complicated. Why don't I have answers to things like these? It'd make life a lot easier if I did.

Sigh.

Did I tell you I've been praying for a boring life, for the next 3 years at least?

Mutual Addiction

There are some things that you keep coming back to. Things. And people.

Like your favourite song. Your best friend(s). Your favourite pizza.

It’s not like it’s what I always want, but my need for them never ceases. Like I don’t always feel like talking to my best friend, I’d rather talk to the guy I met at NLSMUN last month. I don’t always feel like a simple margherita, I rather enjoy cheese and pepperoni. But it’s just that I love those a little more than the others.

They’re my favourites. My comfort zone. And they have something attached to them.

I’m also a big sucker for rituals. Possibly why I believe in God and Karma. I like my familiar things. Things that don’t change, at some level, they remain the same. And I like to keep coming back to it, or them. To the familiarity and marvel at how it all fits in so well. Everytime. It never ceases to amaze me.

But then again I am amazed by the most mundane, obvious things. I like it that way. Life would be boring otherwise. It’s always nice to have sudden realizations- a nice, healthy jolt. Sometimes I wonder, when will that LIFECHANGING incident happen? When my life goes topsy turvy and I know I’m living the ultimate dream. I think life’s too short to spend collecting the million small moments. But I guess I have to wait for the big one. Not in sight definitely.

But then again I’ve done quite a few drastic things last year. Definitely some of the bigger ‘small moments’. Now I HATE introspection. But then I do it all the time. Precisely why I hate it. Also, I’m a BAD learner. I don’t remember the lessons I learn, till I have to learn it again. So introspection doesn’t really help me. But anyway, moving on to introspection on the year that went by. It was quite a learning curve- I did quite a few things right and many more things wrong, did wild, crazy things and loved it and hated myself for it later, met new people and made new friends, took wrong decisions and tried to correct them, put myself out there in the open and learnt to brave it out, learnt to care a little less about the world (I still haven’t decided if that’s good or bad).

Most importantly I learnt there are some things and people in life that/who are indispensable. Whoever says otherwise still hasn’t realized this. You need it. The comfort of the familiarity and being able to take solace in the fact that they remain unchanged. And they remind you of the lessons you’ve learnt- good and bad. Such a comfort, always- to be reminded of the million small lessons learnt in the million small moments. Which brings me back to my point- My favourite things, they are the indispensables and I wouldn’t want to lose them or forget them, even if it means a little sacrifice is needed for the same =)

P.S.: I am currently addicted to "Make this go on forever" by Snow Patrol. Go listen. =)

P.P.S: I also don't know why I named the post whatever i did.

Of possession and fear...

“Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which you reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?” 

–Kahlil Gibran

One finds a strange comfort in the hollowness of beautiful words sometimes. Like gems that were waiting to be unearthed by you. Waiting to tell you what you want to listen to.

Those words are not just that. They are what I am. They are what I am fighting. They tell stories of the cold nights on the terrace. They tell stories of the sleepless darkness that I’m fighting. They are the stories of those words casually thrown around and that refuse to leave you alone.

The stories of the pain that comes with a harsh, cold night, when your eyes smart from the ice-cold wind and your fingers turn numb when you run them over the steel railings and you muffle a shiver as you place your bare foot on the granite slabs washed by the cruel, cold moonlight. And you know there’s so much to say and you know that much of it will remain unsaid, because you fear. You fear losing what you cherish and you fear having to face it and you fear that nothing will be the same and you fear that you will wake up to a reality much harsher than this. And you know that you’re fighting that war.

The stories of the turmoil when you know it’s the not the right thing. But you want it to BE. And you close your eyes and walk on pretending to know not where it’s all leading. And you fumble for your totem and hope the dream is your reality. And the war is still on.

And you know the answer to it all along. When it comes down to the battle, there’s only one way you win this one. The answer lies in fighting for oneself. Your needs are but your weaknesses. That person you seek is but your undoing. The answer lies in YOU.

Hiding somewhere in the night

I keep the ice-cold water running. It sends a chill down my spine, but weird how the painfully cold water, that almost stings me, is a rather welcome feeling. It makes me feel like I can wash away the last vestiges of a part of me I don’t want to keep with me.

The feeling of letting the cold water run over your tired eyes and throbbing head. I’m afraid to open my eyes. I’m afraid there’s too many things that are going to hit me at the same time, too many answers that I owe myself and to many others, too many issues I’d rather leave unattended.

There’s a part of me that wants to curl up in the bed after the shower and never wake up. And a part of me, that  wants to go out in the bright sun and let the warmth fill me, like everyday...

I look at my fingers turn white and wrinkly. They feel so weird, like they aren’t a part of me, like I can’t feel them anymore. Like memories long forgotten.

I feel the goosebumps and welcome that shiver. Is it time I woke up? Or am I still going to believe in the mantra of ‘Reality is overrated’? Sometimes, just sometimes, we know the answers all along. We just don’t want to accept them. We love the dream too much to let go of it.

So where does one draw the line? When is the right time? Which price is too high? The stakes only keep increasing...Is there an exit?

I don’t know. I probably never will. There’s no turning back, for now.

There’s only one thing I know when I come out of the shower. I need to change my shampoo.

"Last Friday Night"

So, everyone has one of those days.

Days when one makes that one big faux pas. So how much does it really matter? The mistake. More importantly what matters more? The friend you lost? The trust and faith people lost on you? The guilty conscience? The pointed glares and cold shoulders? The humiliation and embarrassment? I could never decide for myself. I didn’t know which was worse.

But the best way to deal with it, I learnt, was to be with my friends. It’s a test too. You come out of it knowing those people who you know will stand by you through thick and thin. And it’s a comforting thought indeed. So, give it back to them when they are facing the rough patch coz you know the worth of a text message asking you if you’re ok. Coz you know the worth of a long talk on the parking lot benches. Coz you know the worth of that hug that says “I’m right here”. Coz you know the security of knowing someone’s fighting for you. Frame that moment when you’re drunk and can’t stand straight  and you sit on the bike and lean against your friend for support and see the laser lights making patterns in the sky. That’s your moment and there’s your friend.

When so many things are going wrong, take solace in the fact that someone’s ready to watch your back and set it right. Find those people and never let them go coz they are the ones who really care. Good or bad, everything happens for a reason so follow MM’s mantra in life- Keep calm and eat cupcakes. But don’t forget to share them with the one who bought you that comfort food. J

Calcutta Chromosomes

HOME.

Its takes one word to make everything in life a little easier.

Wake up late in the bed which I’ve slept in for 19 years. Woken up by Mom who then tries to prevent me from going back to sleep again by striking up some random conversation often about the headlines of the day, shopping/movie plans, my dad’s newest colleague who comes to office drunk, my distant cousin’s wedding plans or my first cousin’s hostel life updates.

It’s all so comforting to be talking about things and people I’ve grown up amongst. To let her do all the talking and let it all sink in. The feeling of being home, near my mother; Smiling at the fact that none of those abovementioned things really affect my life except that they seem familiar, less alien than every morning that greets me in law school. And the best part is that your Mom knows it all, knows that you really don’t care that much about a drunken colleague or a distant cousin but she knows I need the familiarity of family, friends and relatives.

It’s just the perfect beginning to any day!

Get hold of a book and sit in the verandah reading it and dozing off and waking up in fits.

The collection of your favourite DVDs.

A long phone call with your best friend.

Radio One and your favourite FM channel (a non-existent thing in Bangalore unless you want to listen to Kannada music!).

Dinner with your family while the TV plays the soppiest soap on earth!

Home.

Theres something magical about it. The comfort, the predictability, the known smell of freshly laundered clothes, the touch of the weathered study table, the couch in front of the T.V.  and the comfortable spots of which you’re completely aware, the familiar smell that wafts in from the kitchen, the comfort of piping hot food, the balancing act when sitting on the parapet discussing life with your cousin...

And there’s something about returning back to your own city.

Of Park Street and Peter Cat and Flury’s and Christmas celebrations and Someplace Else and Oxford and Mocambo and Roxy...

Of Elgin Road and Forum and the infamous CCD that has witnessed much of my life’s many funny escapades and Aqua Java and Prime meetups and Kookie Jar...

Of Lake Gardens and the Lake and boating  and South City and Sneha and evening walks and phuchkas and plans to change the world and Grub Club and Southern Avenue ...

Of the walk down the road in front of school and the Upper Crust and the Xerox shops and the rickshaw rides...

Along the Outram Ghat and ferry rides, ice-cream at Scoop and walking along the Circular Railway tracks...

The silhouette of the  Hooghly bridge against the evening sky, the outline of Eden Gardens from my terrace on a ODI night, the Maidan and Book Fair and football, the lit up Howrah bridge and the night lights...

The festive feel in the air from a month before the Durga Pujo. The charged atmosphere, noise and the chaos that ensues during those five days and how everyone enjoys every bit of it. The first glimpses on Shashti, the morning anjali on Ashtami, watching the procession for the immersion of idols on Dashami from my grandmom’s balcony and writing the Durganaam ten times on the Bel leaf. The familiarity of traditions...

Of so many memories scattered all over the city, in the unlikeliest of places and dingiest lanes, on metro rides and pirated book shops on the Golpark pavement, in the darkest alleys of New Market and the rows of fresh bakes in Nahoum’s, of friends forgotten and promises not kept, of returning back to the people who know you the best and manage to surprise you with that knowledge in the unlikeliest way ...

Here’s to my City of Joy...

Error, qui non resistitur approbatur!

Error, qui non resistitur approbatur - An error not resisted is approved.


So, i came across this Latin, legal maxim that made me believe once again that I was meant to be in Law School!
It's way too funny how I've actually used it in my life! It's like that moment from Legally Blonde where Elle Woods goes "I Object!"...
Hahahahahha..

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice :)

So, I had one of those long terrace conversations with my friend today. And there’s so much that came out of it.

We talked about how different our lives have become in the course of these last three months-

broken bonds, new misunderstandings, changed equations, new friends and the distancing of old ones, missed opportunities, new foundations and the loss of the old ones, how the contentment that filled me at the end of my 1^st year in law school is all but mostly non-existent now, how life’s been too fast for me to catch up with it, we laughed at how one gets to hear the weirdest rumours about oneself here, we talked about choices and the fear of not being the chosen one, of choices one makes while dealing with the same thing, of priorities and decisions, of not being what I mean to people anymore, of not letting closed wounds open up and haunt us again...

We talked about how I baked a cake for my friend’s birthday today and its many connotations in my life.  How it’s my attempt at getting my life back on its old track by doing something I used to do; it’s my attempt at making amends and setting things right with a friend I don’t want to lose; How it’s therapeutic in a weird way- how everything is measured and put in the perfect amount and how when the baked cake comes out smelling of chocolate and the perfect brown colour, it makes me feel so good about myself, so secure in its success!

It wasn’t one of those ‘depressed days’ conversations, just one of those days when one wants to speak, wants to let it all out, wants to question everything out aloud, clear all those confusions, wants to start all over again... It’s just one of those days when one sits down and makes a checklist of everything that went right and everything that didn’t and take solace in the ones that did and make promises to oneself to make the others work out the next time...

Life’s just like the cake you know...All you need to know is the perfect baking time. You need to know the correct time and the correct ingredient and the correct company. There’s always the small impurity in the ingredient you need to sift  out; always the possibility of putting too much of the cocoa powder that makes it turn bitter, experience teaches you the perfect amount; always the extra amount of cream that makes the icing too liquid so it doesn’t sit nicely on the cake, the correct consistency comes with pouring it little at a time; and there’s ALWAYS the contentment that comes with having that leftover piece of cake after everyone has devoured it... At the end of the day, life IS about sugar and spice and everything nice, just find the correct people to share it with, choose them carefully and choose them well coz they make the experience worth it...

At the end of a trimester that had it ALL- Love, Life and Law School

So, my friend sent me a message that said- “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of a misfortune.”

Given that we both have been grappling with the same kind of 'misfortunes' and problems and the solution to which seems to be elusive at this point of time, it’s one of our efforts to bring our lives back on track by trying to infuse the “ultimate philosophy of perfect living” in our horribly messed up lives.

It’s not like we both already don’t realize the importance of acceptance, but it’s the process that’s problematic! Too many externalities and complications! The biggest externality being 'law school'! It manages to magnify and moralize just about ANYTHING! And also coming with it is the pleasure one finds in pain.

Yes, a little masochistic, but sometimes wallowing in self-pity gives you a lot of satisfaction! Not that I’m a big propronent of it, but it has it’s pros and cons and it’s possibly a way of holding on to the past. And if I already haven’t mentioned, I’m a big FAILURE at the art of letting go (so much so that my friends gift me “Simple Truths of Life: Learning to Let Go” cards on my farewell!)

So, here’s the flowchart to acceptance 

“Denial--->Anger--->Acceptance”. I’m not sure on which leg of the journey I stand. Partial denial? Partial anger? Partial acceptance? Its ALL of those three and a lot more. It’s confusing, frustrating, depressing and well, complicated. If only life were as easy as following a flowchart.

The only good coming out of this whole chaos? Friends. The ones who stood by and the ones who didn’t. The likely ones and the unlikeliest ones. The old ones and the new. At the end of it all there’s a warm feeling inside me, for all those who stood by. I don’t really care about the ones who didn’t, anymore.

Too many life lessons learnt in one trimester. And I’m glad it’s coming to an end. Like everytime, I’m gonna hope that the next one is better and this time I can actually believe it will be coz there HAS to be a high in my life after this all time low! So, the eternal optimist that I am, I’m gonna believe that the solution to my problems are not far and that things can only get better from here. 

To Want or Not to Want?

There are things you want. You know, big things and plans for your life. And then there are things that you just want .Like right now. Nothing to do with the 'long term perspective' but you do!

Like  a pack of Caribbean Hot and Sweet Lays.

An insightful conversation on the terrace.

A haircut.

A holiday.

Freedom from my mental blocks. Like my mental blocks against IITians and Jaipur (people from Jaipur rather)

A flat 50% sale at Mango.

A roasted chicken sub and iced-lemon tea.

A long drive.

*sigh*

SADLY, I’m not getting any of those. Which brings me to the point about how the human brain functions! I  mean I know I won’t get any of those right now but I still crave for them. It’s true for the long term goals also. Most of them are unattainable but we still want them and don’t give up on trying to get them. It’s the challenge I guess that keeps us going and the hope of something better (It’s also the concept behind “Why Taken Guys are Sexier”).

Such optimistic enthusiasts!

But well, we’d rather try than not try thinking its unattainable. So, like my friend said today, “Google up Obama’s campaign and then tell yourself “You Can Do It”!


P.S. And here's what the world would like me to believe! What a BIG, FAT LIE!